Children exposed to early adversity often face challenges when it comes to regulating their emotions. Without consistent opportunities for co-regulation with trusted adults, they may struggle with either suppressing or expressing their feelings in ways that feel overwhelming. As community care professionals, we play a key role in helping parents help children build the skills needed to manage intense emotions. Teaching parents the "language of self-control" empowers them with tools to teach their kids to handle their feelings constructively. Below are nine strategies to support children with big emotions and guide them toward self-regulation.
1. Leverage the environment
Sometimes, a change of scenery can help children calm down. Activities like going for a walk, playing outside, or engaging in rhythmic movements such as jumping or dancing can soothe emotions. These activities help children focus on their bodies, shifting their attention away from overwhelming feelings and creating space for relaxation.
2. Model calmness
Children learn self-regulation by observing adults. When adults model calmness during stressful situations, it teaches children that emotions can be managed, not avoided. A steady tone of voice, relaxed body language, and a light-hearted approach help children feel safe and supported, making it easier for them to regulate their own emotions.
3. Connection before correction
Research emphasises the importance of connection in effective discipline. Before guiding a child toward better behaviour, focus on creating a positive relationship. If a child is upset or acting out, prioritize connection over correction. This may involve putting aside discipline temporarily to reassure the child and rebuild trust. Once that emotional bond is restored, the child will be more receptive to guidance.
4. Quiet time together
Spending quiet, peaceful time together fosters emotional regulation. Activities like reading, listening to calming music, or engaging in quiet games promote closeness and security. These peaceful moments not only help children calm down but also strengthen relationships, making it easier to manage future emotional challenges.
5. Help children name their emotions
Teaching children to identify and label their emotions is a key part of self-regulation. Use specific emotional language to help children connect with their feelings. For example, a parent might say, "I can tell you're feeling excited because you’re smiling and jumping around!" or "It looks like you're frustrated because your hands are clenched." Naming emotions helps children better understand their feelings and gives them the language to express themselves more clearly.
6. Gentle touch to calm the body
A gentle touch—such as a soothing hug or a calming hand on the back—can help children regulate their emotions. Physical contact signals safety and comfort, lowering stress levels. When children are overwhelmed, this tactile reassurance helps them feel grounded, making it easier to manage their feelings.
7. Practice ‘time in’ instead of ‘time out’
Rather than using ‘time out,’ parents can try ‘time in,’ staying close to the child while they are struggling with their emotions. They should offer comfort and reassurance, letting the child know they understand how they feel and that they can manage their strong emotions. ‘Time in’ promotes empathy and emotional support, helping children feel understood and giving them the tools to calm down.
8. Rehearse calming strategies when calm
Parents should help children practice calming techniques when they are not upset. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and positive self-talk are all strategies that can be rehearsed during calm moments. Once children become familiar with these techniques, they are more likely to use them when feeling overwhelmed, improving their ability to self-regulate over time.
9. Avoid forcing calm in the heat of the moment
When emotions are at their peak, children may not be able to access calming strategies immediately. Forcing a child to calm down or use techniques like deep breathing can create resistance and frustration. Instead, parents should allow the child time and space to fully experience their emotions. Once the intensity has passed, they will be more receptive to calming techniques and more open to learning from the experience.
Conclusion
When children experience an attuned connection with a responsive adult, they feel understood and supported. This empathy allows children to process their emotions more effectively, boosting their self-esteem. By teaching children the language of self-control, we equip them with the tools to manage their feelings constructively. This process fosters emotional health and resilience, enabling children to navigate challenges with greater ease.
Parentshop offers a one-day professional learning course to equip you with the skills to teach parents how to manage children’s difficult behaviour.
1-2-3 Magic® & Emotion Coaching is based on two underlying perspectives on parenting: first, that children can be taught to respond more flexibly when they are frustrated or upset and second, that parents and carers can be taught easy-to-use skills they can use at particular parenting moments. The professional training includes role-play, group discussion, worksheets and videos.
Learn more about developing children's emotional maturity and self-regulation skills with 1-2-3 Magic® & Emotion Coaching. CLICK HERE TO VIEW UPCOMING COURSES.