Why parents need a theory that drives what they do

When it comes to helping anxious kids, relying on instinct isn’t enough. You need a map.

Over the years, I’ve worked with hundreds of families facing anxiety, and I’ve learned something critical: good intentions aren’t always enough.

As parents, we all want to help our children feel better. So we comfort, we rescue, we adjust the environment to ease their stress. And in the short term, it works. The tears stop. The fear retreats. Everyone breathes easier.

But over time, that same protective instinct can become part of the problem.

You need a clear theory of change. You need to know why you’re doing what you’re doing, and what outcome you’re aiming for. Because in the chaos of parenting anxious children, without a guiding principle, it’s all too easy to become reactive and inconsistent.

The problem with parenting on gut instinct

Let me be blunt. Parenting by instinct often leads to avoidance – and avoidance is the engine of anxiety.

We let our child stay home from school “just this once,” or sit out the sleepover, or opt out of public speaking. We do it because it feels compassionate. But what’s really happening is this: We’re protecting them from short-term distress but reinforcing their belief that the world is unsafe or unmanageable.

Without meaning to, we’re shrinking their world.

This is why I tell parents: you need a map that helps you act with purpose, not just emotion. And that map starts with understanding the difference between accommodation and adjustment.

Accommodation vs Adjustment: a crucial distinction

In my work, I use these two words very deliberately:

Accommodations are when we change the environment to reduce a child’s anxiety. It might look like letting them skip school, avoiding public places, or speaking on their behalf.

Adjustments, on the other hand, are supportive steps that help a child stretch, slowly and safely, toward greater capacity. This might include scaffolding social interactions, practicing feared situations in bite-sized chunks, or setting up routines that promote independence.

Accommodations are usually reactive. Adjustments are planned, strategic, and empowering.

Your theory of parenting needs to be based on helping your child get stronger, not just feel safer.

Why having a theory matters

Think of it this way: If you were coaching a team, you wouldn’t just do drills at random. You’d have a game plan. The same applies here.

Your parenting decisions should be grounded in a framework that promotes:

• Courage over comfort

• Short-term discomfort for long-term gain

• Confidence through experience, not just words

The theory I present in The Anxiety Coach is this:

Children become braver when they learn to tolerate discomfort, build coping skills, and face their fears in manageable doses, with you coaching alongside them.

This means you’ll sometimes need to do things that feel hard in the moment: letting your child feel upset, holding firm to a plan, or not stepping in to “save” them right away.

It also means being consistent, because consistency tells the child: “I believe you can do this.”

A coach, not a protector

Your job as a parent is not to eliminate your child’s anxiety. That’s impossible. Your job is to coach them through it, much like a sports coach helps an athlete face pressure.

That shift – from protector to coach – requires a mindset change. It requires clarity. It requires a map.

And it begins with asking:

Am I helping my child avoid this fear—or helping them face it with support?

If it’s the latter, you’re on the right track.

Key takeaway

When you have a theory to guide your parenting, you act with purpose instead of panic. You know why you’re setting the limit. You know why you’re not rescuing. You know why you’re helping your child face the hard stuff.

And most importantly, your child begins to learn that they can handle life, not just be shielded from it.